Sunday, April 17, 2005
Murder of the Dance Floor (Good song, appropriate Title)
Murder of the Dance Floor (Good song, appropriate Title)
Yesterday, beyond all my situational comprehension was a beautiful day.
A beautiful day in Bergen, without a care, and without feeling regret for anything I was doing, I just enjoyed the Beautiful, Sunny, Bergen, filled with PEO-PLE! It was a day where I felt like I lost my constant life impatience, and my need to do anything productive.*I cooked a beautiful dinner with Matthew, fish, veggies & cheese, smoked salmon. It was wonderful and we began talking about future travel possibilities.
*Klubben (campus bar) was a great time. And the moment Odette started giving me one of those curious/knowing/helplessly looks I knew it was going to be an interesting and impossible night. I could feel it in my gut that at least something would happen tonight.
*Except that on this particular evening I ran into feelings that I can finally can come to terms with. Joanna, who you’ve all heard me swoon over so much basically brushed me off, yet again, and did what she does to me best, she made me actually feel something.
*In her own albeit frustrating (but only because I don’t back off) way, Joanna found yet again what she’s been looking for. A one night fling on the dance floor.
Ok so here is the story in fastforward with me and joanna
*Even before I realized what I was doing, and basically what I’ve been doing all along. I’ve always been one to go out of my way to make people who are nice to me happy. Then the day Joanna first fell for Pablo @ Norwegian homecoming I got this deep feeling of, ‘why couldn’t that be me?’, but at the same time I was utterly excited that a nice person had found someone who makes them feel wonderful. Except Pablo dropped Joanna like a rock & Joanna was heartbroken.
*So, without shame or reservation a few days later, I let Joanna know I really liked her and let her know how wonderful a person I thought she was in hopes that she might cheer up and get over with her heartbreak. Except that probably didn’t make my life any easier as after whenever I look at her I couldn’t help but care for her and that shows in my stare. And I’ve been unavoidably part of her life since I got here in Bergen so the awkwardness continued. Life goes on and random events & conversations transpired where I truly felt how deeply I cared for Joanna. *So I received a lot of distasteful “What’s?”, and a “Don’t look at me like that” for about three months because I can’t not stare at such a wonderfully warm spirited, precious & beautiful person, and not be completely exposed.
But what really gets me is how I finally feel now:
I could be angry with myself for caring so desperately for someone again.
Or, I could be wonderfully happy that once again Joanna found someone again last night.
She’s probably not going to see that person again but at least she lit up like a Christmas tree again. And beyond my heartbreak something about seeing people who don’t smile often enough, just smile, fills me with utter happiness that overrides any feeling of shame or disappointment. So I strangely feel happy, with a lingering feeling that I might just breakdown at some point, but I’m betting that won’t happen. Interestingly enough, it’s the style of meeting someone that kills me to begin with. I just can’t see myself meeting someone on the dance floor. I still feel sleezy when I start to try to pick up someone at a club. & the way Joanna wants meets people is fundamentally different from my own style. So like Poker I’ve played my chips wrong from day one. I invested in a hand that was lost to begin with. I’m hoping I have learned a few things about myself and what I’m not letting myself read from girls along the way. So the quest must continue albeit without target or expectation, I know I lack patience, but at least I recognize my weakness.
Yesterday, beyond all my situational comprehension was a beautiful day.
A beautiful day in Bergen, without a care, and without feeling regret for anything I was doing, I just enjoyed the Beautiful, Sunny, Bergen, filled with PEO-PLE! It was a day where I felt like I lost my constant life impatience, and my need to do anything productive.*I cooked a beautiful dinner with Matthew, fish, veggies & cheese, smoked salmon. It was wonderful and we began talking about future travel possibilities.
*Klubben (campus bar) was a great time. And the moment Odette started giving me one of those curious/knowing/helplessly looks I knew it was going to be an interesting and impossible night. I could feel it in my gut that at least something would happen tonight.
*Except that on this particular evening I ran into feelings that I can finally can come to terms with. Joanna, who you’ve all heard me swoon over so much basically brushed me off, yet again, and did what she does to me best, she made me actually feel something.
*In her own albeit frustrating (but only because I don’t back off) way, Joanna found yet again what she’s been looking for. A one night fling on the dance floor.
Ok so here is the story in fastforward with me and joanna
*Even before I realized what I was doing, and basically what I’ve been doing all along. I’ve always been one to go out of my way to make people who are nice to me happy. Then the day Joanna first fell for Pablo @ Norwegian homecoming I got this deep feeling of, ‘why couldn’t that be me?’, but at the same time I was utterly excited that a nice person had found someone who makes them feel wonderful. Except Pablo dropped Joanna like a rock & Joanna was heartbroken.
*So, without shame or reservation a few days later, I let Joanna know I really liked her and let her know how wonderful a person I thought she was in hopes that she might cheer up and get over with her heartbreak. Except that probably didn’t make my life any easier as after whenever I look at her I couldn’t help but care for her and that shows in my stare. And I’ve been unavoidably part of her life since I got here in Bergen so the awkwardness continued. Life goes on and random events & conversations transpired where I truly felt how deeply I cared for Joanna. *So I received a lot of distasteful “What’s?”, and a “Don’t look at me like that” for about three months because I can’t not stare at such a wonderfully warm spirited, precious & beautiful person, and not be completely exposed.
But what really gets me is how I finally feel now:
I could be angry with myself for caring so desperately for someone again.
Or, I could be wonderfully happy that once again Joanna found someone again last night.
She’s probably not going to see that person again but at least she lit up like a Christmas tree again. And beyond my heartbreak something about seeing people who don’t smile often enough, just smile, fills me with utter happiness that overrides any feeling of shame or disappointment. So I strangely feel happy, with a lingering feeling that I might just breakdown at some point, but I’m betting that won’t happen. Interestingly enough, it’s the style of meeting someone that kills me to begin with. I just can’t see myself meeting someone on the dance floor. I still feel sleezy when I start to try to pick up someone at a club. & the way Joanna wants meets people is fundamentally different from my own style. So like Poker I’ve played my chips wrong from day one. I invested in a hand that was lost to begin with. I’m hoping I have learned a few things about myself and what I’m not letting myself read from girls along the way. So the quest must continue albeit without target or expectation, I know I lack patience, but at least I recognize my weakness.
// posted by Unknown @ 6:05 p.m. 
